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5 Ways in Which My Yoga Instructor Resembles Tobias Funke.

4 Feb

I’m pretty sure my yoga class was led by Tobias Funke this morning. If you don’t know who Tobias is, he was a character in Arrested Development. Here is a highlight reel to give you a bit of flavor:

So now that you have a taste for Tobias, here are the parallels between him and my yoga instructor:

  1. Both consistently project a STAGE VOICE to project when communicating and over-enunciate for dramatic effect. DownwarD. DoG. 
  2. Both have mustaches that hail from another decade. By which I mean the 1980s.
  3. Both present a vibe of confused sexuality.
  4. Both wear nut-hugging shorts.
  5. Both play the flute. I’m just going to leave it at that.

Top 10 Reasons: Rail Travel Rocks

26 Jan
Like the Acela, but cooler.

Like the Acela, but a wee bit slower, and with less leg room. Still better than flying.

Top 10: Reasons Trains Beat Planes in Rochambeau*

  1. Even when someone reclines their seat, I still have an extra foot of arm-room for my laptop.
  2. I don’t have to wait for a flight attendant when I’m thirsty. Two words: Cafe Car.
  3. No seatbelts. Or annoying announcements from the pilot telling you to put them on.
  4. The bathroom is large enough to install a phone and conduct business. Tip: If you board at the originating station, consider locking yourself in the commode and treating it as your private office for the duration of your trip. I think this is – literally – where the term “Squatter’s Rights” comes from.
  5. The Quiet Car: no one can talk, use a cell phone, play music without headphones, etc. While you might think this is awesome because you can work uninterrupted or take a nap, the real reason it rocks is witnessing the enforcement of the rule. If you’ve ever wanted to see an introvert on a power-trip unleash a can of whoop-ass, this is where to sit. For supporting evidence, read this. 
  6. If you’re not in the Quiet Car, the best thing is eavesdropping. Last night I overheard one woman describe the BRAT diet and a guy get quoted $900 for a one-day rental car. I also heard someone offer up their credit card digits (including the security code and expiration date) and wondered how many people actually wrote it down.
  7. No TSA workers to flag me for a random screening. Getting to board without taking my shoes off, pulling out my laptop and removing my coat? Amazing. Not having to limit my liquids to 3 oz in a plastic baggie? Priceless.
  8. No “unplanned landings” caused by obnoxious passengers midair. On Amtrak, if someone becomes unruly, they can just get tossed off the train at the next stop without delaying anyone.
  9. My seat cushion doesn’t double as a life preserver. (BTW: is that not like the most twisted version of “Would You Rather?” Your options: would you rather a) Drown after surviving a plane crash, or b) Float in icy, shark-infested water with a cushion that has absorbed countless farts pressed to your face?)
  10. When the train shakes, I don’t worry that we’re going to fall out of the sky.

*Using my best Cartman voice: If you don’t know what Rochambeau is, then dude, you totally need to watch this clip from SouthPark.

List: 10 THINGS that make weekends even better

7 Jan

With all the talk of New Year’s Resolutions, it’s reminded me how much I like lists. They’re easier to read than paragraphs, and they’re much, MUCH easier to write. So this month, in addition to my regular babble about life, I’m going to share a few random lists with you.

List #1: 10 Things That Make Weekends Even Better Have the Ability to Ruin Your Weekend

  1. NPR’s weekend programming*
  2. Apple products*
  3. Bathtubs & books
  4. A garbage chute
  5. Scented candles
  6. Lamby
  7. Animals that let me touch them
  8. Jasmine tea
  9. The weather
  10. Yoga

*NPR and Apple almost canceled each other out and got eliminated from my list because today’s This American Life was about the sweatshops in China where Apple products are made. Ergo, today’s dose of irony: Apparently sweatshops make my weekend better, while people working in sweatshops don’t know what weekends are.

Great, now I feel like an asshole.

And sadly, Apple probably does a better job than most trying to make sure its vendors follow fair labor practices.

Another year older…

30 Oct

Today was my birthday. Before this year, I raced into each birthday, excited for the additional year’s experience that lay ahead of me, wrinkles be damned.

This year, however, my body started to crap out on me in drips and dribbles… a mysteriously inflating calf, migraines, vertigo, Baker’s Cysts… I suddenly understood why old people only ever talk about what’s broken. Because everything breaks.

Oh, don’t  get my wrong. I’m not depressed to be another year older (beats the alternative!), but as I head into this year, I’m appreciative for what my body still CAN do, and I’m determined to maintain it as best I can.

I hit yoga twice today and during savasana I found myself giving thanks – not only for my health in general, but also for these specific things:

  • For being able to walk 25+ miles per week without thinking about it.
  • For not needing to change my underwear every time I sneeze.
  • For still having only my own teeth in my mouth.
  • For not having mysterious moles (with hair sprouting out of them) popping up on my chin.
  • For still finding bras that fit me.
  • And for still having the sense to not consider my waistband a bra.
  • For not truly knowing what a hot flash is yet.
  • For still being years away from finding adult diapers anything but funny.

When the fear isn’t crippling, it’s freeing…

2 Aug

While I feel horrible for anyone confronting a phobia, some of the less common phobias are, um, borderline hilarious. Fear of snakes and spiders? I understand. Fear of air? Not so much.

(And yes, fear of air actually exists — it’s called anemophobia, if you’re curious. I didn’t know what it was a called, which is how I ended up on this site, doing a reverse look-up of phobias after WebMD indicated that fear of air is a symptom of rabies.)

For today’s post-lunch distraction, here’s a list of my newly-discovered favorite phobias:

  • Caligynephobia: fear of beautiful women. I think the Beach Boys named this one.
  • Deipnophobia: fear of dinner conversation. Pretty sure I’ve dated this guy.
  • Consecotaleophobia: fear of chopsticks. I’m going to guess the diagnosis of this runs pretty low in rural America.
  • Euphobia: fear of hearing good news. I want to meet this person. Sounds like a real Debby Downer: “Do you want me to start with the bad news or the –” “NO!”
  • Basophobia: fear of the inability to stand. How does this seed even get planted in one’s mind? And does it seize them only when they’re seated?
  • Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
  • Papaphobia: fear of the Pope. Nice to know he ranks up there with clowns for some people.

Interestingly, there is a whole list of phobias that I would argue aren’t phobias, but are, rather, NORMAL fears… like thanataphobia (fear of death) or taeniophobia (fear of tapeworms).

And of course, the men out there who are rolling their eyes, saying phobias are for sissies… I have one word for you: Medmalacuphobia.

Look it up.

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