Look at this photo. Doesn’t Miss Moneypenny look like an octopus who lost three legs?
SHE TOTALLY DOES.
If I had better Photoshop skills (or my sister on speed-dial) you would be looking at before and after photos from the tragic accident that severed Miss Moneypenny’s other three legs.
Except you’d know that cats don’t really have eight legs. While I do have a tragic story I could tell about smashing her in a window this week and thinking I’d accidentally maimed her, I’d rather focus on her other anatomical mystery.
Shortly after getting her, I was petting her and felt a weird bump on her stomach. I separated the skin and looked at it. It looked like a skin tag. “Alan,” I shouted. “Does this look like a nipple?”
Alan checked it out and rubbed around on her belly. “I don’t think so. It’s more like a wart or something.”
Fast forward a week to when I’m at the vet, having Miss Moneypenny’s West Virginian meth-addict smile inspected. “Listen, Doctor Storm,” I started, struggling to determine which was more ridiculous – calling a guy in his late 20s “doctor” or the fact that his last name made him sound like he came from a Spiderman movie. “While we’re here, can you look at Miss Moneypenny’s tummy? I think she has a skin tag or something there.”
He obliged, and asked me to show him what I was talking about. I felt around blindly until (finally!) my fingers located the little dot of braille. “Here it is!” I practically yelled, feeling triumphant.
He rolled her over and looked at it. Then looked at me. “That’s a nipple,” he said.
I was flustered. “Well, at first I thought it was a nipple, but then I couldn’t find any others, so I wasn’t sure WHAT it was. I mean – can you find any other nipples?”
He looked at me like I was an idiot, then proceeded to map out all of my cat’s nipples for me. At a certain point, I said, “Got it. I don’t need to see any more nipples, thanks.”
And that was the end of our first vet visit.
I’m going to take a vote: Is it more awkward to have a x-ray tech your own age administer a surprise enema, or have a doctor who is at least a decade your junior educate you on nipples?
Either way, I’m going to stay away from medical professionals for a while.