Hey Girl: That’s Not Pretty

30 Apr

Image Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4yDNWlvK6s

If you’re friends with me on Facebook, then I apologize in advance: You’ve already had to weather this rant. And yet, it is worth repeating. To make it somewhat more bearable, I’ll try to channel Ryan Gosling. Indulge me.

Hey Girl,

I see you there with your super-firm thighs. Thighs that say “thank you” for attending pilates throughout the week. Thighs that could make Gallagher cry because they can split watermelons like a cashew in a nutcracker.

Those thighs? They got my attention.

But not just because they’re attractive. No.

Girl, I know you’re asking those thighs to do double-duty. That in addition to looking fine stacked up on a pair of Manolo Blahniks, they’re punching the clock doing overtime. Know how I know?

Because of that fine spray of pee all over the toilet seat in your office building’s communal bathroom. That’s right.

I can picture you there, standing like crane ready for construction, feeling the burn as you unburden yourself. 

And Girl, you must be exhausted from that effort. I mean, it is WORK to perch there like a hovercraft.  So no wonder you can’t find the strength to grab a tissue and clean that toilet seat off. Honestly, how could you?

I can’t fault you for that. But Girl, think of all the other ladies whose thighs aren’t as strong, who must sit on that toilet seat to relieve themselves. They end up sitting in a puddle of your pee. And I don’t know if you’ve seen these women, but their reaction to that isn’t one of loving kindness. No, Girl: It’s fury.

They make water cooler jokes about how they’re going to stalk you and hug you and pee on your legs. And these women? They’re a bit off-balance, so I’m concerned they might try. They’ve even gone so far as to use the office printer to make a note to hang in the bathroom, though they got distracted by a box of Girl Scout cookies before locating the tape to hang it. I’m telling you, they’re one step away from psychotic. I’m concerned for you.

But I don’t want to weaken your resolve or your thighs. I’m not proposing something dramatic, like expecting you to – God forbid – wipe the toilet seat after yourself. No, Girl. You’re too precious for that.

I have a better plan: Girl, we gotta work on your aim.

Kisses,

Ryan

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7 Responses to “Hey Girl: That’s Not Pretty”

  1. meganorlowskirussell April 30, 2013 at 8:59 pm #

    I hate pee covered seats. Ladies need to clean seats of they miss.

  2. Kimberly Pugliano (@GisSilent) April 30, 2013 at 9:06 pm #

    Hahaha! Nailed it.

  3. Tin Roof Press May 2, 2013 at 5:56 am #

    i’ve been blaming the boys in my office (also similar blog rants. I thought a good way would be to invent a aiming game. In the bowl – 50 points, a little higer – 20 points, on the seat -10 )

    but this post blew my mind! girls cant aim?? what the hell?

    • pithypants May 4, 2013 at 7:11 am #

      Maybe we should spray paint targets in the bowl?

  4. thesinglecell May 5, 2013 at 5:17 pm #

    Also hate: cutesie little poems about sprinkling while tinkling. Bitch, don’t pee on the seat. The end.

    • pithypants May 18, 2013 at 7:44 pm #

      Yes. Yes. Yes. I think you could sell that “poem” on an Etsy shop, assuming it had a hook for hanging. I’d buy it.

  5. hollybernabe May 6, 2013 at 2:50 am #

    I agree with the rant. Pee on the toilet seats drives me bonkers!! Though I’m not a Ryan Gosling fan. I don’t see what the appeal is for him. Everybody seems to think he’s such a great actor, but I’m not impressed.

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