Quick: where can I buy a burkini?

10 Mar

I made a horrible mistake: I was at the store last week and decided to try on a swimsuit. GASP. The horror.

I usually don’t spend a lot of time obsessing over my body. As long as it’s strong and doesn’t prevent me from doing something, I’m generally happy with it. I’ve never, actually, been on a diet of any kind in my life. Which might explain how I ended up accidentally ended up piling on the Freshman 30 (that’s a thing, right?) at MSU without realizing it.

And yet, there I was, viewing myself in the three-way mirror, realizing that the bikini bottoms looked more like the twist that separates sausage links than simply something simply covering my butt crack. It served to bisect my body, allowing the top half to pile up on the lower half.

And now I’ve just booked a ticket to visit my aunt in Florida in three weeks. Which means some drastic action is required.

No, not a diet. BE REAL.

Does anyone know where Nigella Lawson purchased this little number?

Image Source: http://www.beachbelievers.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/burkini2.jpg

12 Responses to “Quick: where can I buy a burkini?”

  1. skippingstones March 10, 2013 at 8:40 pm #

    I feel your pain. No, I mean really – my underwear is cutting into me right now in about three different places.

    • pithypants March 11, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

      Good. So you ALSO look like an entire string of Italian sausage? I’m thinking we need to popularize this look. Can you find a celebrity to endorse it?

  2. dianeskitchentable March 11, 2013 at 8:33 am #

    I’m not sure but maybe try the Seal Team 6 Surplus Store?

    • pithypants March 11, 2013 at 8:09 pm #

      Interestingly, this is what I find when I google “Seal Team”: http://www.thefablife.com/files/2011/08/HeidiSeal-6.jpg

      I’m thinking Heidi Klum wouldn’t manufacture anything I could fit in.

      • dianeskitchentable March 12, 2013 at 8:10 am #

        What? Did you say something? I think I got a little distracted … I’ll get back to you, need to check this link a little more.

      • Alison March 12, 2013 at 9:18 pm #

        Please let me know if those tattoos are legit.

  3. thesinglecell March 11, 2013 at 10:21 am #

    I personally am refreshed to see that a celebrity chef is a bit on the corpulent side. I squee every time I see a shot of her gut on “The Taste” (which is a horrible show in spite of Anthony Bourdain’s presence. I think he’s jumped the shark. So disappointing. Oh wait, you don’t have a TV. Well, just take my word for it. Tripe. And not the kind he likes.) Anyway, Nigella’s bathing suit is a travesty. Was she in an A-rab country at the time this was taken? Jeebus.

    • pithypants March 11, 2013 at 8:10 pm #

      Squee? Is that like squirm + pee? If so, I’m thinking you should dial back on the cooking shows – or at least not watch them while you’re actually in the kitchen. Just a thought.

      • thesinglecell March 11, 2013 at 10:18 pm #

        No, squee = squeal or squeak in delight.

      • Alison March 12, 2013 at 9:19 pm #

        I’m going to pretend I didn’t learn that and just assume you’re peeing. Cool?

  4. Barbara March 11, 2013 at 3:12 pm #

    I bought a Miracle Suit last summer since my body insisted on not returning to pre-baby shape, and its amazing. It’s a one-piece, and it was expensive as all get-out, but worth it in my opinion. You can find them at various department stores. http://www.miraclesuit.com/

    • pithypants March 11, 2013 at 8:12 pm #

      If I have to cash in miracles, I think I’d rather hold out for turning water into wine. In part because I like wine, and in part because if everyone is drinking it, no one will notice my swimwear. Separately: I’m pretty sure the type of miracle needed for me in a bathing suit isn’t going to clear the TSA screening. Too much metal.

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